What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 15:34
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why do we exist, and why are we conscious?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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What did i know ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I want to be a well-rounded person. What should I do?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it wasn’t much.
How do I deal with my annoying little kids?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Would this be the day?
He knew the spot.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
All the time i was locked up.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
I don,t even have a pension.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My life is so biszare .
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.